Sunday, May 20, 2007

About me, myself and I



Digital Collages by Itkupilli


Ok, I’m not the preacher, not at all. I don’t like to declare my doctrines, just here a little bit among you my friends. Even my picture of the world has changed a lot in past two years, more it has changed my self and my personal life.

I love eating. I could say I go even to pedantry easily if there is a question of culinary pleasures. I could write a poem always I had excellent dish. Unfortunately I’m a very miserable cook. I have two children of my own and my daughter’s boy friend is living with us and I have also a foster son occasionally. We all love exotic and variable eating, but I must admit that too often our kitchen is based on an American fast food cuisine. What I desire is to eat simple and delicious food, with excellent and natural pure incredience.

And drinking, I have drunk too much, bottle of red wine was my sleeping pill, and a couple of beers made me very social and increased my self-confident. Too many beers made me an idiot. But I have cured those problems otherwise, so I prefer to drink just for pleasure of the wonderful taste. In past two years I have had just 2 glass of champagne, 2 glass of Italian red wine and two jar of beer…I don’t like to drink for sorrows.

Material enjoyments has lost their appeal to me. I was crazy about clothes and interior designing. I loved designers clothes, well I still do, but now I mostly buy my clothes from flea markets, and only if I really need something. I was dreaming of big house and fancy cars (I still love 70s European cars and old houses) but now I’ve realized that I don’t need them at all. Happiness doesn’t come by owning material things.

I had quite busy social life before, could say too busy. I loved my own voice. I was talking too much and I surely had my opinion of everything. Now I have had very lonely and silent life (read no life). This blogging thing fits perfectly to me. It gives a possibility to conversation. And I want to be sincerely and say only what I really mean. Could be that sometimes I’m quite childish with my honesty, but I don’t want to play cool anymore. I don’t want to build any picture of me. I just want to be who I am.

What I’m dreaming is a simple life, with simple pleasures. I just wanted to be artists and maybe have a little house and garden somewhere in warmer country. Finland is fine country to live, but living is very expensive, too much things to take care off. I could do my work in a cheaper place and still get my incomings from here. That would be clever. Or even better to live day by day, without any troubles. If I just could spend a whole day painting one rose…

My daughter is 15 so I have still some year’s responsibility to take care of her, but as she is already very independent I think I could live my dream one day….

27 comments:

Shrink wrapped scream said...

Sweet lady,

What happened to so dramatically impact upon your life, two years ago? Sometimes it is nice to stand still, but we all must move forward eventually.

I love your collage - you are so beautiful, in spirit as well as physically. I am not very sociable, I resent it when friends crash into my life, I never return calls, and cancel arrangements just because I can not be bothered to go (I drive everyone mad). We are all different. You seem to have found peace with yourself. I hope so, you deserve it.

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Thanks, so comforting words.
Well, suddenly my beloved left me. It has been very painful, tough time. I thought I can never be happy, I lost totally joy. My life changed totally. No empty relationships can render true feelings. I have had too many meaningless relations already. But strange things can happen in the middle of the misery. Something woke me up back to life. This sounds quite pathetic, but believe me, I bless every minute of my misery I’ve had. Instead of unbelief I have learned the meaning of love. I was a horrible bitch before. I could say that I’ve found inner peace. :)

ThanKwee said...

Kirsi,

live a simple life in a small house in the countryside in New Mexico. I don't spend much on clothes and other material stuff. My vehicle is old and rusty but it gets me where i'm going, and I kinda like the old jalopy. ;)

I never did spend much money. I just saved it. And now life is much more relaxing and leaves me all of my time to devote to art, music and life.

I relate completely to your dream.

The only difference is that I enjoy beer and wine still. I'm not willing to give those up. :)

By the way, I LOVE your collage. You had me giggling when I saw your face inserted in the Mona Lisa frame! So cute!

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

ThanKwee,

Thank you, you are so kind.

I’m so happy for you. You are so beautiful; you deserve your lovely garden and happy life.
And I haven’t given up drinking, I’m just still quite vulnerable and sensitive, and then it’s not good to drink alone…I can still remember hangovers too well….

david santos said...

Please, it puts fhoto of Madeleine in your Bloggue

Missing Madeleine!
Madeleine, MeCann was abduted from Praia da Luz, Portugal on 03/03/07.

If you have any information, please contact Crimestoppers on
0800 555 111

Please Help

ThanKwee said...

You're right Kirsi. It's not good to drink when one is sad and vulnerable. Hangovers are a miserable thing and not at all good for the health.

And what you said did not sound pathetic at all. All of my life I've found that great things emmerge from sorrow and pain. It's hard to believe that anything good will emmerge at the time, but a new and better door always opens up, and we enter the new sphere a stronger and better person hopefully.

To lose a beloved... hurts so much! Ouch... But it's clear to see that you are surviving this and you are becoming stronger and better because of it.

she said...

interesting and reflective post. seems to be a little shift in the material world where ever i go lately. when you wrote you just want to do art and have a little home and garden you described exactly what i am. it is more than enough i can tell you. and being quiet so you can hear the interior is a gift. looks like you figured out how to turn down the noise. excellent!


enjoyed your digital collages very much!

Ana Banana said...

Kirsi! That is my dream, too! I think we should run off together and get married for sure!

I am a lonely soul, too, for sure, Kirsi. I have found a lot of happiness here in bloggerville, especially with people like you and Anajo. I am an introvert/extrovert. Extroverted on the inside, and introverted on the outside. If that makes sense. That characteristic alone makes it difficult for me to have a social life, outside of my husband, dog, and my 11 year old step-daughter. So blogging has been a source of happiness for me since it allows me to be who I am as well and share that with people, like you, who are pure in spirit and vulnerable...loving people.

I am happy to begin to know you, Kirsi. You are beautiful. I have had my share of pain and sorrow, too. And I can say is that all of the suffering has made me more aware of others and their own suffering...has made me more compassionate. I feel for you, Kirsi. I know how difficult it is to stand on your own, with children and with your beloved gone. But know that you have a permanent friend on this side of bloggerville who will give you a bit of warmth and companionship, albeit through a computer screen, every day that she is able to. I love people who are as open and vulnerable as you.

Love to you, my friend.

Ana

d-cima said...

Hi!
My fair fairy...

Today you speak of your dream
A small house...
A warm country...
Where the life is not so hard...
Making your art peacefully...


today you have put
a seed in the universe
now single it needs to be watered
with faith....

you do not think about the details
single it trusts and it hopes

back they were left the old times...
like lessons of the life...
that they have prepared to you
to value
the important things...
the true things...

you never extinguish your dreams of princess...
there they hide
the secrets of the life !

the best thing for you Kirsi:)
Kiss/Chau

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

She,
So nice to hear that you have made that dream come true! And you said it so beautifully; turn down the noise. Yes that’s exactly what has happened. And thanks for the compliments. It’s always inspiring!

****
Ana
I so know what you mean by that extroverted/introverted stuff. And I feel at the moment that I have here at the bloggerville really true friends, and somehow it’s easier for me to express myself here.

In 1984 I hitchhiked to Barcelona, travelling through Europe I knew that somewhere south I would love to live. But let’s see, the main thing is that I get rid of this consumption system.

Ana I really love you. And I really wish that there exist one man like you. One is enough, but none is too less.

******
Principe Daniel,

I put your beautiful words in to my heart. And if I’m sad and desperate I try to remember what you said. I believe you’re right.

Gracias, kiss and hugs.

SusuPetal said...

Inner peace is the most important thing and one doesn't find that peace if one doesn't know herself.
And to know oneself requires sometimes drastic events, things that make you stop and think: who am I? What do I want from life?

When there comes this stop, when the running away is over, the peace can be found. It can be found in the city, in the country side, with people or being alone -that is not important, because every human being is unique and we all have our own ways of gaining that peace.

You sound happy and relaxed, Kirsi, not at all pathetic. Don't apologize in vain:)

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Susu,
That was so well said. You have talent to put words in right order.

Even it’s possible to found inner peace without pain, for me this total stop was only way. I had tried for years to find some meaning to my life, but I couldn’t focus. My mind was too busy with totally meaningless things. When something dramatic happens, then you must estimate all values again.

Yes I’ve found inner peace and I know who I am. Happy? Sometimes, I’ve some moments of joy, and those moments gave me back the zest for life. Thank you, this was one step ahead.

Kelly said...

Change is a beauitful thing. Mine too was through alot of pain. But I think that's how we learn. And learning what is important is important!! Life will be verything we imagine it to be...someday. Keep dreaming and believing!!

Kelly said...

This: Life will be verything we imagine it to be

Was supposed to be: Life will be Everything we imagine it to be...
I was typing too fast.

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Kelly, I already thought I learned a new word, I guessed that it means something very true thing.:)
You're right, change is a beauitful thing...no need to be afraid of it...

Elegia said...

Niin, ei muuttuminen lakkaa koskaan. Toivottavasti. Muuten voisi kai pelätä jämähtämistä.

Luin hitaasti ja nautinnolla. Kirjoitat itsestäsi hämmentävän aidosti ja avoimesti. Minuun se(kin) teki vaikutuksen upean collagesi lisäksi. Sinä olet taiteilija.

Haittaako muuten, että kirjoitan tänne suomeksi, vaikka muut kirjoittavat englanniksi?

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Kiitos Elegia taas kerran ihanasta kommentista, eikä tosiaan haittaa suomenkieli täällä, on ihanaa välillä itsekin kirjoittaa suomeksi. Jotenkin tää blogi on muuttunut ihan englannin kieliseksi, mutta täytyy myöntää, että suomenkieltä kyllä osaan huomattavasti paremmin, vaikken sitäkään kovin hyvin. :)

Hemmamamma said...

Anteeksi minunkin suomeni - jotenkin tämä on helpompaa näin.

Koskettava ja mielenkiintoinen kirjoitus. Ihanaa lukea, että olet kuitenkin kokenut vaikeudet lopulta vahvistavina ja jaksat edelleen uskoa itseesi ja tulevaisuuteen. Ja kyllä se tästä blogista säteilee muutenkin. Aina innolla luen täältä viisauksia, varsinkin lainauksia, jotka ovat kovin tosia minullekin ja olenkin riveiltä päätellyt, että olet monella tapaa tullut elämästä ja sen tarkoituksesta, siitä miten elää, samoihin päätelmiin kuin itsekin. Kasvaminen ei tapahdu ilman uhrauksia, niin se kai on. Usko edelleen unelmaasi, varmasti se toteutuu joku päivä, tavalla tai toisella. Olet sen ansainnut :)

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Hemmamamma.
Tosi kiva kuulla ja on kiva myös jutskata suomeksi. Mulla on ollut englannin kieli toisena kotikielenä pitkään, joten tuntuu luontevalta käydä keskustelua englanniksi, mutta toivoisin todella, että se ei karkoittaisi suomen kielisiä ystäviä pois.
Aina kiva huomata, kun joku todella ymmärtää mitä olen yrittänyt ilmaista. Kiitos. :)

Shrink wrapped scream said...

We are all horrible bitches (males, too) on our underside, it is not us who lets this out, it's the others who care unlock it. If you did not like who you were when you were with him, then I suggest he is far, far better gone, what ever the amount of pain this may cause you.

Broken hearts can often mend. Broken spirits rarely do.. you are far too lovely to be sad forever - I promise!

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Shrink you are very beautiful and you see things clear…

But he was the one who showed me who I am. I was a bitch before; I went from relationships to an other, had affair after affair….I had no idea about who I am and what I really want. The reason for break up is much more complicated and we both have been very very unhappy. He told me that I’m the one, but he’s so sick with himself….he is the only one who has really done something beautiful…it’s not easy to find somebody after that…and I’m so tired to be alone…

Chewy said...

*ItkUpiLLi*,

I enjoy all your blogs, but this one seems to be the one I shall return to. I enjoy your collages, photoshop work and your taste in music. This blogging community provides support and inspiration. It's wonderful to have found your blog.

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Chewy Thanks
I'm very happy to see you here, specially pleased about my taste in music, 'coz that's a very impostant part of me, myself and I...:)

LADY LUXIE said...

I don't know why...but when I read you makes it me feel as if I know you deeply. Sometimes it even feels like you are a part of me..like a part of someone I am inside...

I too am not a preacher...neither do I want to declare doctrines..and my picture of the world is slowly changing...

The family you describe seems such a sweet fun gathering...

I wish someday I can meet you...I wish..I wish....I wish...you seem like a long lost friend who finally came back into my life..

ps; i know I sound nuts...but this is the connection I feel when I view your art and read your words..

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

You don’t sound nuts at all! I feel same to you. It seems that we are finding long lost parts of our self. So incredible things has happened lately…Thank you very much.

Nicole said...

It sounds to me that you had a tough time, i know how it feels to loose someone you truly love. I already experienced the same loss (my father when I was young and I still love him a lot and miss him).

Your dreams would be something for me. Live from day to day creating art, life a simple life and enjoy simple pleasures as materials are not giving you any pleasure at all as the true pleasure of live comes form within ourselves.

Many many velvet Hugs

You are in my thoughts

*ItkUpiLLi* said...

Thank you Nicole,

Very kind words, they really warm my heart. It’s so great support to know people who understand!